Chinese Candy Extravaganza Part 2

 
 

TOM: PETIT BIT!

MATTHEW: Did you know that 'petit bit' is French for little bit?

MATTHEW: A whole pile of Petit Bit! I'm diving right in.

TOM: It actually smells of chocolate. Amazing!

MATTHEW: This tastes... hmmm. So much better than the other chocolate.

TOM: Still, not very good. Even Dairy Milk is better than this.

MATTHEW: This is more like Dairy Malk.

TOM: Now with Vitamin R!

MATTHEW: Hey wait, these were made in Japan! They've snuck in under false pretenses! I give them a 6.

TOM: I'd say 5, because I like good chocolate.

MATTHEW: At least it's not compacted dust masquerading as chocolate.

MATTHEW: It has to be done - the mutant Yakult!

TOM: Pop that top off!

MATTHEW: Let's have a look inside this pot of love.

TOM: Pot of shame.

TOM: Oh hey, ecstasy!

MATTHEW: Or horse tranquilisers. These literally smell of Head and Shoulders... the good news is they're going to give us lustrous follicles, the bad news is they're going to taste DISGUSTING.

MATTHEW: First it's acidic, then it tastes of soap, then it tastes of nothing.

TOM: How many can I put on my tongue?

MATTHEW: I think if you went to any nightclub in Watford, you could get good money for these.

TOM: They just taste bad. You know when you get medicine and they've tried to make it a little sweet, so kids don't mind? It's like that.

MATTHEW: How can something made of almost pure sugar taste so bad?

TOM: 4/10?

MATTHEW: Yes.

TOM: Now I know I've seen this before online, the character is in some Chinese cartoon. Also, you've got to love the Engrish warning:

TOM: Are you meant to use this as a straw? The picture on the front shows it has a hole going through it. Or do you add it to milk to make it chocolatey? Let's open this up and find out.

TOM: Ok... you remember the Nuggle right?

MATTHEW: WHOA THERE'S SOMETHING UNDERNEATH!

TOM: IT'S A STICKER! Oh boy, Shinchan and Shiro, now I can finally complete my collection! I'm putting this on.

MATTHEW: That's great, now you can look cool on the streets! And then get beaten-up.

TOM: Am I really meant to do this? I'm basically drinking milk through a dried-up dog turd.

TOM: Eurgh. The smell is not right! This is NOT RIGHT! I'll take a bite. Oh... you know Blue Riband? Imagine if you got that, took away all the chocolate, and then drank milk through it. That would taste five times better than this.

MATTHEW: Is it anything like a Wheeto?

TOM: No, Wheetos taste good!

MATTHEW: Apparently it's made by Bandai, who usually make toys.

TOM: Try some.

MATTHEW: Hey look, I can blow bubbles! Which is good, because if I keep blowing bubbles, I can put off having to consume any of this FETID LOG.

TOM: Take a big bite.

MATTHEW: Why would I want to do that? Fine. Oh. That's a big disappointment. That's really bad. You know if you get a leaf and leave it in a cupboard for five years, and in the right conditions you end up with a leaf skeleton? It's like someone did that with a normal chocolate bar.

TOM: And then took a turd on it. 1/10.

MATTHEW: Yeah, 1/10. I was severely disappointed.

MATTHEW: These are also Japanese! Candy of the Orient.

TOM: What's it like?

MATTHEW: It's like eating a cyst. Watch out for the disgusting sensation when it bursts in your mouth, it's like biting down on an enormous mouth ulcer. It's a shame that this can only be experienced, not described.

TOM: This is like eating a chocolate-covered wart.

MATTHEW: 4/10.

TOM: The texture really puts me off, 3/10.

MATTHEW: It's strange isn't it, I mean you can imagine people in Britain saying 'Skittles are my favourite sweets' or whatever, but you can't imagine anyone in China saying that any of these sweets are their favourites.

TOM: Well, this is it.

MATTHEW: Just another typical day in the IVF clinic.

TOM: Oh hey, they left the kidney stones in!

TOM: I'm not even going to say anything about this one.

MATTHEW: That's right, it looks just like... milk!

TOM: Is this liquid?

MATTHEW: WHAT IS THAT?!

TOM: IT'S LEAKING!

MATTHEW: So...

TOM: EURGH! THIS IS SO WET! WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA?! EUURRGGGHHH! You HAVE to feel what this feels like. This is the worst thing I've ever touched.

MATTHEW: HAHAHAHA!

TOM: IT'S LIKE A WET GOAT'S TESTICLE! I have shamed my entire family!

TOM: This tastes... bad. So bad. It's like a lychee which has had all the liquid syringed out, and replaced with the water from a toilet. It's like eating one of those pots full of green goo that makes fart noises.

MATTHEW: I'll have the green one. Oh my life... unacceptable. It tastes exactly like catarrh!

TOM: Ok so, two left - take your pick!

MATTHEW: This one is allegedly pineapple. I really like pineapple, so I'm looking forward to this tasty treat!

MATTHEW: It's not as bad as the other one, but that isn't saying much (spits it into his hand). I want to meet someone I don't like and shake their hand.

TOM: Right, ok then. It just exploded all over my t-shirt!

MATTHEW: Don't worry Tom, it happens to everyone

TOM: THERE IS SO MUCH LIQUID! I have no words. Oh... we've just reached a new low on the smell front. Have a sniff.

MATTHEW: Flipping heck, that is AWFUL. That is really bad.

TOM: Minus infinity out of 10. I don't know what to say. I mean, what was the designer thinking? How are you meant to eat these?

MATTHEW: I think you're just meant to gulp it down in one go, presumably before you taste it.

TOM: Directions for use: open, place directly in toilet.

IT'S TIME FOR THE CHINESE CANDY EXTRAVAGANZA ROUND-UP!!!

MATTHEW: I didn't see anyone in China eating any of these sweets. I don't understand, I mean... you can put ANYTHING in sweets, like as much sugar as you want, and yet these taste disgusting. I would rather eat fifteen Nuggles than most of these.

TOM: I'd rather drink dad's used bath water.

MATTHEW: When I go back to China, do you want me to pick up any more of these badboys?

TOM: No, but could you blow-up some candy stores instead? I really have nothing to say, I can't think of anything amusing like at the end of the American candy review.

MATTHEW: It'd be like finding humour in a massacre.

TOM: How would you rate this experience?

MATTHEW: It's right up there with the time I broke my arm. I'm just mystified, I mean so much Chinese food was covered in sugar or seasoning, like even nuts and rice had sweetener on them. Yet the sweets AREN'T sweet, they just taste disgusting!

TOM: So, what's next?

MATTHEW: Well I'm going to Malaysia at some point, so I guess Malaysian sweets. So anyway, did you think this would be so bad?

TOM: No. I thought some of these - like the pots - would taste good, like jelly. And the chocolate drops feel like they're full of pus!

MATTHEW: Right, that's it, I'm never doing this again.

TOM: That's what you said last time.