Chinese Candy Extravaganza

 
 

Oh boy, here we go again. You saw me eat disgusting American chocolate, then you saw me eat some more with my brother, and now you're about to see me eat stuff that I wouldn't even classify as confectionery - it really is that bad.

Let's take a step back and explain how this all started. My friend Phoebe recently visited Hong Kong, and kindly brought back a bunch of sweets for me to eat. Then my brother Matthew went to China for a month on a film shoot, and he also brought back a bunch of sweets for us to try out. I'm not entirely sure why Matthew purchased some of the stuff he did, knowing full-well he'd eventually have to eat it, but I guess he did it in the name of entertainment. That's bravery!

Ok, you know the drill by now. Let the games begin!

TOM: I can't believe we're doing this again.

MATTHEW: I feel like a condemned man choosing his method of execution. In fact, the method of execution is the last meal!

TOM: Shall we take it in turns to choose?

MATTHEW: Sure. I choose...

MATTHEW: I think this is a safe start.

TOM: Oh boy, Almond Glico! The packaging is tough, it's like it's not meant to be opened.

TOM: This smells... SO BAD. It smells like plywood.

TOM: UNACCEPTABLY CHEWEY. Good though.

MATTHEW: I better get in on this. This actually smells like a wood product.

TOM: Well, it's not bad. At least it's not Nuggle!

MATTHEW: This is like the Switzerland of confectionery - it's neutral.

TOM: I reckon 6.5/10.

MATTHEW: I give it a 7.

TOM: What to choose next?

MATTHEW: Your call, badboy.

TOM: Oh dear. Let's get this party started!

MATTHEW: I'll take the red one, for danger.

TOM: These are ridiculously squishy.

TOM: AHAHAHAHA!!! IT'S LIKE A PICKLED TESTICLE!

MATTHEW: HAHAHAHA!

TOM: Oh boy, that's putrid.

MATTHEW: Mine appears to be the same.

TOM: Goodbye tastebuds!

MATTHEW: It's like a giant American hard gum.

TOM: It's like a giant ball of fail!

MATTHEW: It's not that bad! Except half my hand is covered in gam.

TOM: It's secreting!

MATTHEW: I have been infected by the spawn.

TOM: 2/10.

MATTHEW: That's well-harsh! I give it 4/10.

TOM: Ok, maybe a 3. Right, it's your choice.

MATTHEW: Comedy cherry sticks! It's like your birthday and Christmas at the same time, if you're an abused child. THE STRAWBERRY SMELL IS INTENSE!

TOM: You are actually grimacing.

MATTHEW: I just realised what this is...

TOM: Is it a fruit roll-up?

MATTHEW: Yes it is!

TOM: 10/10 confirmed!

MATTHEW: I'd save your breath. It's a FAT fruit roll-up... disappointing width. SO STICKY!

MATTHEW: This tastes like a health fruit bar.

TOM: Oh really? Yes, this tastes EXACTLY like a fruit bar.

MATTHEW: 7/10, as I suspect I could eat more than two without vomiting

TOM: A novelty! 6/10. I think we have to eat these chocolate bars.

TOM: Wow, this sounds delicious:

TOM: Mmm, chinese cowpea! Everytime I eat a chocolate bar I think, what would I love to have in it?

MATTHEW: Paste!

TOM: Cowpea!

MATTHEW: Hey wow, you've won a Golden Ticket! I wonder what else their factory makes? Probably insecticide, and military-grade arms.

TOM: The smell is hard to place. I know what it doesn't smell of - chocolate.

TOM: You can really taste the cowpea!

MATTHEW: Oh, that just... that actually needs to go home. It needs to go home to China right now. It's horrible. Imagine if you had a really bad chocolate bar...

TOM: I don't have to imagine, I've got one right here!

MATTHEW: Haha ok, well imagine if you melted this chocolate bar, hoovered up all the dust from your room, then resolidified the two together. You'd get this.

TOM: This next one is apparently 'fragrant and sweet'. Oh, no. This smells appalling.

MATTHEW: Now with reduced cyanide!

TOM: ...

MATTHEW: Tom is actually not talking, it's that bad. I should probably try some... it's like chewing on a corpse's finger! This is digging new depths. It smells so bad, yet... tastes so bad!

TOM: How do they do it?

MATTHEW: It's not even filled with paste! I want my money back. I bought this from a toothless crone in an underpass under a road, and it was about 10p. She also sold nunchucks. Anyway, I gave her a 50p note and instead of giving me change, she just gave me four extra chocolate bars!

TOM: 2/10.

MATTHEW: 2/10.

TOM: It would be less, but I fear there's worse to come.

MATTHEW: On to the next set. I'm going to open both at the same time in case the first one incapacitates me, leaving me incapable of opening the second bar.

MATTHEW: Quite chewy. It smells SO BAD, dirty, DIRTY nougat. It's like nougat mixed with chewing gum.

TOM: This tastes exactly like something we've had before... remember that peanut thing in the American Candy review with no chocolate? It's like that.

MATTHEW: Well I'm not eating another one to check!

TOM: 3/10 for these.

MATTHEW: Let's open our presents!

TOM: EXCESSIVE WRAPPING!

TOM:Oh great, a cardboard box! Look at this, I notice a recurring theme here.

TOM:Why's there a splinter on it?

TOM: That is... absolutely filthy.

MATTHEW: It smells like rubber. You know when you're cycling and the bike wheels get hot? It smells like that.

TOM: This tastes of nothing.

MATTHEW: Mine has a little more kick to it. It's like someone once showed it a photo of a lemon. So much potential, yet so crap.

TOM: I really don't know what to give this.

MATTHEW: I'll give it a whole extra point for the wrapping, so that's 5/10.

TOM: If you gold-plate a turd, it's still a turd. 3/10.

MATTHEW: Can we make something out of the blocks?

MATTHEW: Ok, we have peas, and there's actually a conker flavour. When I bought these, I was told they're not candy, but they are sweet. They're sort of cake. Let's do lucky dip!

TOM: I appear to have selected pea flavour. Another wrapped offering! WHAT IS THIS?!

MATTHEW: It's like an elaborate drug smuggling ring! Or, an Oxo cube.

TOM: Here we go.

TOM: BLEEEEUUUURRRRGGGHHHH!!! MY MOUTH IS SO DRY! OH MY DAYS, THAT'S TERRIBLE! It is SO bad. It tastes exactly like the world's most condensed Weetabix mixed with sand and dirt!

MATTHEW: So, moving on to the next sweet then!

TOM: Not so fast.

MATTHEW: Fine, I choose conker flavour. Is it sweet in any shape of form?

TOM: It is... absolute filth.

MATTHEW: Do you think we're not supposed to eat this?

TOM: Stop stalling!

MATTHEW: WHAT?! (incomprehensible mumbling) MURRRRR!! IT'S SO HORRIBLE! It's caked on my teeth! It's like eating cement powder! We have GOT to be doing something wrong. Chinese people are probably laughing at us, this is like a stock cube.

TOM: Are you meant to put milk on it?

MATTHEW: I mean... it's just so, so wrong. 0/10.

TOM: Minus 1/10. Numbers don't go this low out of 10. This is going straight in the bin.

MATTHEW: We can use this bag as a Christmas present for someone we really hate. So, so wrong.

TOM: This is the worst sweet I have ever eaten.

MATTHEW: I'm not sure if it's even a sweet. Let's choose something nice.

MATTHEW: Jelly bean rip-offs! These look good.

MATTHEW: Mmm! They're like squidgy Skittles. Little bit of a chemical aftertaste.

TOM: These are alright.

MATTHEW: Hey, I can make a recipe. Purple and green = grapes! Mmm, it's just like a grape! If it was made of chemicals, in a factory.

TOM: I don't know if it's because we've just eaten stock cubes, but I'm enjoying myself while eating these.

MATTHEW: Quite nice, 7/10

TOM: 7 as well.

MATTHEW: Yay! Something that doesn't make me feel ashamed to be alive.

CONTINUE ON TO PART 2!