Tom eats American candy, hilarity ensues


When I was working at Films@59, one of my bosses would make frequent trips to America and would often bring back a selection of tasty goodies for everyone to eat, including donuts, cakes, and a selection of American candy. I have an insatiable sweet tooth, so the thought of smuggling some of this candy home, eating it, and then sharing my thoughts with the world was too good to pass up. Let's begin!

Today I'm going to eat seven pieces of genuine American candy, and you're going to follow me every step of the way. Are you excited? BECAUSE I AM!

Anyway, if you're wondering why one of the sweets above has been blacked-out, it's because it has a name that is so hilarious, so utterly inappropriate and so completely random that I am saving it 'til last. In the meantime, let's choose the first candy.

After much careful deliberation, I have decided to go with the mysterious Milky Way Midnight.

This sounds pretty sultry, maybe it's like the slutty half-sister of the regular Milky Way. Let's take a look inside!

It looks good! In fact it looks... well, it looks exactly like a Mars bar. Better test this badboy out!

I like it! It tastes an awful lot like a Mars bar, only with a slightly creamier filling. I'm pretty sure it's dark chocolate too, which would explain the whole 'midnight' thing. Anyway, this is a solid start to my little American candy adventure, I give it a tasty 8.5 out of 10.

Next up: 3 Musketeers!

I'm not entirely sure what this chocolate has to do with the three musketeers, but then again I'm not entirely sure what a Milky Way bar has to do with the Milky Way. Enough chit-chat - let's take a look inside!

Hang on a second...

Unless I'm mistaken, this looks *exactly* like a normal, non-American Milky Way bar, except it's called 3 Musketeers. Surely I'm wrong though, I mean, why would they have the same chocolate bar but change the name? Let's give it a taste.

What the hell?! As far as I can tell, an American Milky Way bar is actually an English Mars bar, and a 3 Musketeers bar is actually an English Milky Way. Let's turn to Wikipedia for some answers:

"The American version of the Milky Way bar is made of chocolate-malt nougat topped with caramel and covered with milk chocolate and is equivalent to the Mars bar sold in other countries. The non-U.S. Milky Way bar, on the other hand, is not topped with caramel and is therefore similar to the American 3 Musketeers bar."

Ok, this just makes no sense. I can understand why a company might want to change the name of a product when marketing it in a different country, but the thing is, the Mars company decided to keep the name Milky Way for one of their chocolates. However, they changed the contents to that of a Mars bar, and then made a separate bar with a new name that has the contents of an English Milky Way. If the name 'Milky Way' is still good, and if the contents of the English version of that chocolate are still good, then WHY SEPARATE THE NAME AND THE CHOCOLATE?! I honestly have no idea what the thinking was behind this.

Anyway, I give 3 Musketeers a 7 out of 10 - it's not bad, but it's essentially a slightly weaker version of one of our Milky Way bars. Bah!

We're about to move into Hershey's territory and oh boy, this is going to be bad.

I want it to be known here that I personally find the original Hershey's to taste utterly foul, like a horrible mix of mouldy cheese and sub-par chocolate. Back at Films@59 - when we were eating some of these chocolates - I asked people what they thought Hershey's tasted like, and I got two distinct answers - some said soap, and some said vomit. I agree wholeheartedly with the latter, as the aftertaste reminds me of being sick. Should a chocolate remind you of something like this? No, of course not.

Let's get this over with.

I honestly hate these things.

Down the hatch!

I better chew this around a bit.

This is pretty bad, but not actually as bad as I remember it being. Maybe I was being too harsh before, because... oh. I just swallowed it, and there's the vomit aftertaste.

That's right, the original Hershey's bar still sucks the big one and gets 2 out of 10. I honestly never want to eat another Hershey's chocolate ever again, which sucks for me, as I have three more to get through.

While I am slightly intrigued by Hershey's promise of special dark chocolate with a mildly sweet taste, I'm not holding my breath. My dad often buys a selection of excellent, very dark chocolate, and whenever I'm back home I make sure to sneakily pinch a piece or two. With this in mind, can a company that specialises in making chocolate that tastes similar to gone-off cheddar compete? It is admittedly unlikely.

Check this out:

If you ever wanted to find out how much soap, vomit and cheese they put into Hershey's bars, this is the number to call!

Let's get this over with.

Oh man, I expect the horrible aftertaste is going to kick in. Hang on a minute...

This can't be happening.

I can't believe it - it actually tastes good. It's obviously not as good as my dad's stuff, but whatever this candy is made of tastes nothing like a regular Hershey's bar (always a good thing) and instead tastes rich and mildly sweet. I'm impressed! This gets 8 out of 10.

Oh boy, we're entering strange territory here. I have nothing against Rice Krispies, but the thought of them mixed with normal Hershey's chocolate is not one I wish to dwell on. Which may be a problem, because I'm about to put this mixture straight into my mouth.

Let's test this out.

I'm not really sure what to make of this one. On the one hand, the crisped rice tastes pretty decent and it does a good job of masking the horrible vomit aftertaste of the chocolate. On the other, much bigger hand, if you need to put something in your candy to mask the taste of the chocolate - which comprises about 90% of the bar - then you clearly have a problem. Equally the texture of the candy is really weird, like a bit solid, a bit chewy, and a bit lumpy. I'm giving this one a 6 out of 10, and that's being generous, particularly as eating a full-size Krackel would probably be horrendous.

Next up - awful chocolate and tasty peanuts!

Of all the spin-off Hershey's bars, this is probably the most well-known, and I've heard it's pretty good. However, while I love the combination of peanuts and chocolate, Mr Goodbar here has strong competition from a certain Mr Reese and his delicious pieces. Obviously Reese's Pieces and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are a little bit different to what we have here, but I still think the comparison is valid.

Let's put it to the test.

Not bad.

Now it tastes awful!

Now it's pretty ok again. What's going on here?

I simply can't give this a rating as it is exactly 50% great and 50% awful. To put it in another way, Hershey's chocolate simply doesn't mix with peanuts, so the taste goes between dirty chocolate and tasty peanuts, without any sense that the two flavours are blending. I imagine you'd get a similar result if you tried eating a large spoonful of Marmite and a handful of Sour Skittles at the same time - both flavours are pretty dominant and I don't think your brain would know what to make of it.

I can give Mr Goodbar nothing other than N/A out of 10.

Ok, this is it, the time when I reveal the mystery candy. I honestly don't think you're ready for this, but if you're feeling brave, click below to check it out.