American Candy 2


As you can probably guess from the image above, I have recently managed to acquire yet more American chocolate - thanks for the donation, Sally! I figured that my first candy adventure was so much fun that I simply had to do it again, and this time I managed to bring my brother Matthew along for the ride. Look how enthusiastic he was about this!

Let's not beat around the bush - we had eight American treats to get through, and this time they were all full-size. We decided to start with a little Lunch:

Check out the catchy slogan:

TOM: The slogan worries me as I've just had dinner, and eating another meal will probably make me throw-up.

MATTHEW: Does this chocolate bar enable time-travel?

TOM: I'm not sure, but the photo on the wrapper is hilariously low-quality.

MATTHEW: Apparently it's filled with nothing but cream.

TOM: Well, no time like the present. Let's open this bad-boy up!

TOM: Holy crap, it's a giant turd!

MATTHEW: This resembles human faeces more than any other chocolate bar I've seen in my life.

TOM: This looks about as appetising as a Goetze.

MATTHEW: Maybe you're meant to eat it with your eyes shut? It's probably designed for blind people. I think the texture actually spells something in braille.

TOM: Right, well I'll go first. This smells vaguely of cheese.

TOM: It has the texture and taste of wood-chips and toe nails!

MATTHEW: What is this?! It's like the bastard child of a dog turd, a Kit Kat, and a Ferrero Rocher!

TOM: And yet you're having a second bite.

MATTHEW: Well, at least you can't fault them for false advertising.

TOM: Seriously, I don't even know what's in this thing. It's like someone ate the individual ingredients, took a dump, and voila - Lunch bars.

MATTHEW: It's a nasty wafer covered in rice crispies and dirty peanuts. Additionally, it resembles a novelty dog turd. I give this 3/10.

TOM: I give it 4/10 for flavour, but 1/10 for texture. I need to wash this thing down.

MATTHEW: Let's try some Orion.

TOM: Oh thank goodness, it actually resembles a chocolate bar.

MATTHEW: It certainly looks better than a Lunch bar.

TOM: I'm a little dubious about how this looks...

MATTHEW: I guess there's only one way for you to find out.

TOM: This is unacceptably chewy.

MATTHEW: It's not bad. Given I've just eaten the worst chocolate of my entire life though, you could probably give me a bucket of frozen sick and I'd be pleased.

TOM: I quite like it.

MATTHEW: It's good. 8/10.

TOM: I'd say 7/10. Let's try the Nuggle.

MATTHEW: Why are you laughing?

TOM: Because I've just seen what it looks like.

TOM: This is basically what Lunch dumps out when it's had too much corn.

MATTHEW: This is Son of Lunch.

TOM: Visually, the bar has just been set at an all-time low. You can go first!

MATTHEW: There's something stuck in my teeth, I'm praying it's a peanut.

TOM: This tastes pretty bad. Still, it's better than Lunch.

MATTHEW: Agreed. 4/10.

TOM: 5/10. Let's try the PayDay.

TOM: This feels lumpy.

MATTHEW: Open it up.

TOM: Do you think they forgot to add the chocolate?

MATTHEW: It looks like it's just peanuts and sugar - who wouldn't like this? Well, maybe a diabetic who's allergic to peanuts.

MATTHEW: Worryingly, the first lick is salty.

TOM: It's weird, kinda half savoury and half sweet.

MATTHEW: I think you'd have to really like peanuts to enjoy this.

TOM: This is a little odd, I mean you usually just want savoury salty peanuts in a bag, or sweet ones like in Reese's chocolate. This is another half-way house, like Mr Goodbar.

MATTHEW: It contains 20% of your daily recommended fat!

TOM: I probably shouldn't have had a second bite.

MATTHEW: I think this has snuck in under false pretenses, it's not really a chocolate bar. 4/10.

TOM: 5/10, because I really like peanuts. I wouldn't buy one though.

MATTHEW: What's next?

TOM: Let's crack this beast open.

TOM: Oh, for goodness' sake.

TOM: It's like Lunch and Nuggle had a child.

MATTHEW: It looks like a really old Nuggle.

MATTHEW: This is boring, but better than Nuggle.

TOM: It's kinda bland, the crispy bits taste of absolutely nothing.

MATTHEW: It's like Nuggle Plus.

TOM: Nuggle Xtreme.

MATTHEW: 4.5/10.

TOM: This gets another 5/10.

MATTHEW: I think you know what time it is.


TOM: Oh! I am excited.

MATTHEW: This is the only reason I agreed to do this.


TOM: Well, at least it's a well-presented turd. Nice tray!

TOM: This is how the other ones were meant to taste.

MATTHEW: Mmm, it all comes together. There's a good ratio of peanuts to caramel. I don't know who Henry is but, thanks!

TOM: Top dog! 9/10.

MATTHEW: 9/10, better than Orion.

TOM: Good stuff. I think it's time we entered CANDY LAND!

TOM: Dave gave this to me, so thanks Dave!

MATTHEW: It looks like something grown for a skin graft operation!

TOM: Trust me, it's good.

TOM: I love it.

MATTHEW: You are never going to guess what the main ingredient is.

TOM: Gelatin? Sugar?


TOM: Seriously?!

MATTHEW: Well, I give it 6/10. It's preferable to eating faeces.

TOM: 8.5/10. Ok, let's end this on a high note.

TOM: I've already eaten all of the watermelon ones, which kinda shows how much I like these.

MATTHEW: These are really adhesive.

MATTHEW: Pretty refreshing. Somehow these taste healthier than the others, even though they're 100% sugar.

TOM: Best sweets ever? Quite possibly.

MATTHEW: Jolly Rancher could be the working title for Brokeback Mountain.

TOM: 10/10 all the way.

MATTHEW: Very nice flavour. The grape one doesn't taste anything like a grape, but it's still good. 8/10.


MATTHEW: I'm glad I'm not American. Interestingly, I was in Florida recently and they've started doing Cadbury's Creme Eggs, but the wrapping is green!

TOM: That's wack.

MATTHEW: There are so many American chocolate bars, but the chocolate itself is usually awful and they seem to be obsessed with peanuts. I feel a little bit ashamed for taking part in this.

TOM: By looking at the nutritional information, we can see that if you ate all of these products in one go, you'd get 98% of your daily fat and 57% of your daily carbs. That's ridiculous!

MATTHEW: You'd also get 1340 calories, which is roughly 65% of your daily amount if you're a guy.

TOM: I give this experience a 6/10.

MATTHEW: I agree - it was fun, but also disgusting. I have ruined my body.

TOM: Thanks for coming!